Allowing your child to struggle and not be rescued

Recently, bringing my child to their first year of college has stirred a range of emotions in me. As a parent, I find myself needing to follow the same advice I've given to families over the years: sometimes, letting your kids go and allowing them to navigate challenges on their own is essential.

As parents, we are saying goodbye to our children, but they are not only parting from us—they're also leaving behind friends they've known for most of their lives. That’s hard enough, but it’s easy to become myopic in our most vulnerable moments.

Clinging to the familiar

The temptation to cling to the familiar is strong, especially in a new environment like a dorm room. It’s all too easy to reach for your phone to text or FaceTime old friends instead of embracing new experiences. But doing any of that doesn’t help the situation; it can make things worse.

And while I desperately want to call my child to check in, I know I need to give them space. Of course, I hope they hear the unspoken message: I believe in them and know they've got this.

But suppose I’m constantly checking in or enabling them to retreat to familiar comforts. In that case, I’m inadvertently sending a different message—that perhaps I don’t believe in their ability to handle things independently, or their situation is so dire that they need rescuing.

When they do reach out, wanting to be rescued, validating their feelings is okay. However, rather than rushing to solve their problems, it’s essential to ask them what they plan to do to help themselves. This may not be what they want to hear, but it’s what they need to hear.

Show them that you believe

As parents, we must communicate that we believe in their ability to find solutions. It’s also essential for friends and family to understand that we can’t hold each other hostage to the past when we all need to adapt to our new environments and seek out new experiences.

Encourage your child by acknowledging the difficulty of the situation. You could say something like, “Yes, this is hard, and I know you’re heartbroken right now. But the only way to move forward is by going forward.”

Remind them that moving forward is not the same as abandoning those they love. They have their whole life ahead of them, and taking steps to individuate now will only strengthen their bonds with loved ones in the future.

Additionally, some parents stay connected to their kids through mobile tracking apps. While the idea of tracking your child may seem great for safety—knowing where they are in case of an emergency—it's important to ask ourselves if that's the only reason we're checking. 

Are we using it to ensure our child is safe, or are we checking to see if they ate breakfast or went to class? This level of monitoring can raise questions about whether it's truly healthy for anyone involved.

The new normal is not normal

This new "normal" of accessing friends through the digital world is far from normal. It runs counter to the evolution of personal and societal growth. However, we can think of it as an opportunity to teach our kids the art of resilience and self-reliance. Consider how confident they can become simply by letting your kids go and allowing them to face challenges head-on and grow from their experiences. In doing so, we empower them to become strong, self-reliant individuals capable of navigating the complexities of life.