Okay, Boomer: The Need for Nonparental Adults
Let's face it… Baby Boomer parents didn’t exactly embrace hands-on parenting. Many were self-absorbed, often content to let social structures pick up the slack, which left Generation X to fend for themselves. Most of us embraced this independence, becoming fiercely self-reliant and skeptical of social norms.
Personally, I’m oppositional enough to roll my eyes every time a Boomer offers unsolicited parenting advice. My go-to response: “Okay, Boomer.”
Free-range parenting and the Gen X experience
Growing up in a free-range environment was the norm for many Gen X adults. We’d be sent outside to play and weren’t expected back until the streetlights came on. How carefree those days seemed, with a style of parenting worlds apart from what we see today. Rolling our eyes at our Boomer parents was a rite of passage, and they were often happy to let others guide us. Mentorship from nonparental adults—teachers, coaches, or even our bosses—was often a crucial grounding force.
I loved and respected my parents, but they had little direct influence on me during my teenage years. I naturally sought approval and mentorship from nonparental adults, not because they were extraordinary, but simply because they weren’t my parents. These mentors influenced my life significantly, a phenomenon that has shifted considerably in today’s culture.
The shift: parenting as over-identification
Over recent decades, the role of parents has drastically changed. Today, parents are often enmeshed with their children, treating them like velcroed extensions of themselves. This over-identification has limited the role of nonparental adults, who once played a vital part in adolescence. The idea of a teenager having a mentor outside the family can now be seen as a threat by parents, who increasingly strive to be their children’s “friends.” When teens do seek guidance from others, parents may feel “dumped” and guilt trip their kids over it.
But let’s be real—teenagers are still teenagers. They will always view their parents as clueless, needy, and, yes, even toxic at times. The truth is that nonparental adults can provide the objective space that teenagers need to grow, allowing them to learn, make mistakes, and build resilience.
Gratitude for nonparental mentorship
I’m forever grateful that my own children have had nonparental adults who genuinely cared about their best interests. These mentors taught, coached, and guided my kids in ways I couldn’t—and that’s okay. It wasn’t always easy to step back, but I learned to let go, even when seeing my children learning from someone else was hard.
Working in human services for over 30 years has taught me that I often have more influence with adolescents who aren’t my own kids simply because I’m not their parent. I tell the parents I work with, “Your child is more likely to listen to me than you, simply because I’m not their parent. And my children are more likely to listen to you than me.” This dynamic isn’t magical; it’s just the way things work.
Letting go: a necessary step
Yes, I’ve felt pangs of jealousy seeing my children guided by others. But I’m an adult—I got over it. Letting go doesn’t mean losing influence; it means understanding that nonparental mentors can play a valuable role in a child’s development. By allowing them space to learn from others, we empower our kids to become independent, resilient individuals—traits that are becoming rare in a world of hyper-connected, enmeshed parenting.
In the end, nonparental mentorship offers something that parents alone often cannot: objectivity, encouragement, and the freedom for kids to explore who they are on their own terms. It’s a gift we should be glad to let our kids experience.
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